So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Randomize
