im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
