I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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