walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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