I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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