i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
