even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
