I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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