Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
