Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
