i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
