so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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