It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
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