I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
