hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
