you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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