I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
