Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
