Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
