Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
