I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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