i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
