At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
