i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
