You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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