dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
