well I can't set my house on fire every night
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
