Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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