Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
