Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
