I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
