fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
