your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
