I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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