dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
