How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
