I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Randomize
