I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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