My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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