I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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