I feel great
I just peed on a car
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Randomize
