My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
