Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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