You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
