You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
