I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Randomize
