we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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