so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
