I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
