All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
thus making me awesome and them whores
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
