I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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